January 29, 2011

I'm adopted and have known this since I was a young child. My mother gave me my adoption papers several years ago and have been looking for my birth mother ever since. This is not an indication of how my mother and father raised me for they loved me and gave me a good home. This search is about filling the gap I have felt for a long time.
Within my birth records are my birth mother's name and my birth name. I've been searching the internet for her name and came across the first match recently. Anticipating that this woman might be her, I sent a letter to her and haven't heard anything - yet. It hasn't been that long but I'm anxious to hear from her; whether she is or isn't my birth mother.
The emotions of this find had me all over the place: joy, fear, happiness, doubt - many emotions that I quite frankly was not prepared to have for I really didn't think I'd find her - or at least a name match! It was an up again, down again stream of emotions. I realize that I didn't quite know what I expected from such a find. I want to connect with my birth mother but really want to establish a relationship and the fear of her not wanting that really sent me in an emotional spin. I know I must brace myself for this type of rejection but there is also a chance that she would want to have a relationship. It's a 50/50 chance for either option.
I do know that even if the woman is not her or doesn't want a relationship, that my world has not changed that much for my family is still mine and loves me. That I take great comfort in for my desire to have them in my life is being met each and every day. Her reaction to my query will not change that fact in my life. I am eternally grateful for my family that raised me and my family that I have with my husband. I've been blessed.
Several of my friends say I'm offering her a gift and I believe that is true. She will have an entire new addition to her world and if she doesn't want that, then it will be her loss. I'll be sad too for I will lose out on her family as well. But if she does want a relationship, then both she and I will have more blessings with family. I hope that's the case.
With all this, where do I go from here??? I am in a holding pattern right now - one that might be answered but I do run the risk of never hearing from this woman at all. If that happens, I will continue to live my life with unanswered questions. That is not the worst thing that could happen to me. I've been too blessed to have that hinder my attitude towards life, my G-d, my family, art, etc.
So, that's the latest with me. I'm still working on art, teaching at the college, being mom and wife. These things are a part of my life and keep me focused on what is important and necessary. I look forward to updating you on the news as it develops! So, until next time, take care, enjoy, and G-d bless!